Read or use AI analysis.

  • Use AI if you just want to extract the steps to negotiation.
  • Read if you are looking to understand when and why you would use each step. I would strongly recommend reading this book over getting the AI summary. Negotiation is not a “follow the same steps in the same order every time” kind of skill.

Most of life is a negotiation

“The first step of achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like it, you just need to understand that’s how the world works.”

I’ll admit I don’t like confrontation. I like to be the good guy that helps everyone succeed, but Voss is right and I have started to take this mindset into more of my life. At the moment it requires mental focus and dedication to “turn it on” but it is becoming easier each time.

As I read through the book I worked to extract actionable insights that I could use in my everyday life. Let’s dive in.

Jedi mind tricks aka mirroring

Isopraxism better known as mirroring is the closest thing that humans have to the classic Jedi mind trick (these are not the droids you’re looking for). The best part is unlike the Jedi, you don’t have to spend years studying the ways of the Force to use it. You simply repeat the last three / critical three words that your counter part used. After using a mirror you need to wait at least four seconds before you speak again.

Mirroring and then waiting triggers something psychological in humans that makes us continue to divulge information and in a negotiation information is power.

Label their pain, don’t feel it

Sympathizing and understanding the situation your counterpart is going through is incredibly important to manipulating a negotiation in your favor. However, it’s easy to fall one step short and ruin your efforts by making it about yourself. Do not make it about yourself.

Identify and influence your counterparts emotions by responding to them with statements like “It sounds like… " or “It looks like…”. It seems like you are concerned about the time line of this project, rather than I am hearing that you are concerned about the timeline. Using the work I thrusts yourself into the middle of their problem, and shows that you care more about yourself than you do about them.

Phrases that get people talking

People are often guarded when it comes to negotiations. People will also defect confrontation. I should know, I do this all the time. In a couple different chapters, Voss covers several tactics to lower people’s guard and move the conversation closer to resolution.

People do not like to say YES, so you would think “Getting to YES” would be a great book about how to do that. But through Voss’s experience, you are more likely to have a success negotiation by getting them to say “no” early on. Often used when the conversation has stalled, Voss recommends asking your counterpart something like “have you given up on this?”.

“Thats right” get your counterpart to say those two words and you know you are clear to move closer to closing the negotiation. “Thats right” signals your counterpart knows that you actually understand their situation and what they are trying to accomplish from the interaction. This is a major sign that you have gained their trust.

Never split the difference

Compromise is for the weak who want to be safe. Imagine if you were a hostage and the person negotiating for your return decided that they were ok if only half of you got returned???

Calibrate your questions

Calibrated questions involve how or what rather than why. They are also open ended, meaning you do not ask yes / no questions. You can use calibrated questions to avoid directly saying no to a request, shift the direction of the conversation or avoid being accusatory.

One example Voss gives is “How am I supposed to do that?”. This question is a good follow up to a demand from your counterpart that you are unwilling to accept. The question also avoids the harshness of you saying no and turns your counterparts proposal back around to them, forcing them to validate why you should accept their proposal.